Flaky Facebook Fertilizer

Is it me or are people’s Facebook updates increasingly becoming as worthless as Facebook stock? I’m not on Facebook much, but when I do drop in, I’m amazed at the number of “status updates” providing little if any redeeming aspects to one’s quality of life.

I’m really not seeing the value of your photo depicting the fabulous half-eaten dinner your spouse prepared, or how many coins you won in some caffeine-fueled late night poker game. Nor do I care to see those up-close pics of the 37 stitches in your leg from falling off the ladder because cousin Tim wasn’t holding it as steady as you would have liked.

T.M.I. folks… T.M.I.

I really don’t need to know you’re in Walmart looking for a jock itch medication, much less asking my recommendation to whether you should get the spray or cream. Dude… it’s your crotch; you make that decision… and without an update please…

Then you ask for my “like” if I believe in Jesus, The Loch Ness Monster, UFOs or Joe Biden. And if I do, I have to “like” the post or I’ll be banished to eternally burn in the bowels of hell.

And I realize some of you need some sympathy… No, I don’t mean the times when a friend or loved one is sick or has passed; I’m talking about the times you just feel sad and need somebody to talk to. Maybe you’re just casting out your net out to see how many “It’ll be okay” catches you’ll get from high school classmates you haven’t seen in thirty years, but really… don’t you think it’s a better idea to just pick up the phone and call your close friends?

Maybe you’re feeling the need to elaborate on your activities on 10 minute intervals during the day… from being challenged with the outside temperature to how you inhaled a 42 ounce bowl of Coco Puffs at 3:45 am.


Just because you pulled 1277 Facebook friends out of your ass doesn’t mean we all want to know you’re at the beach rubbing suntan oil on it.

And, whether it’s an incredible state of fatigue or just a bad habit, it’s really not okay for u to typ in lwr case, SCREAM IN ALL CAPS n abbrveate, mispel or use short txt-msg-slang … like ur trying 2 save on ur minutes or something.

Oh, now I see you’re stuck in traffic… Shucks; sorry to hear that… Shall I dispatch a helicopter to pluck your Prius from that oppressive and life-threatening situation?

Then there’s 5000 photos of you.

You’ve filled the Facebook server drives with You, You, You.

“This is me drinking Amaretto Creme de Noyaux through a pool noodle”
“This is me pulling my bathing suit top out of the pool skimmer”

Funny story… I once had a “friend” who changed her provocative profile photo a mimimum of once a week. I posted on her wall:

Hey, it’s been almost 30 minutes and you haven’t changed
your profile pic; are you okay?

I guess she didn’t have a sense of humor because she promptly banished me from her friends list. I think I disrupted the addictive recognition she was enjoying from the “oh, how beautiful you are” comments posted by her other “friends.”

I then realized Facebook friendships carry with them rules that are different than “real” friendships.

Don’t get me wrong, I like to see a few of your photos in compromising, questionable and amusing situations, but lighten up on dumping the entire 72 petabytes of photos into your profile. Unless you’re a professional photographer and showing me the many creative aspects of your work, lighten up! If you have 31 pics of you with Jay Leno, grab the best one or two and post them. Same with your kids. Yeah, they’re cuties, but I don’t need to riffle through all of them; save that for the family album.

And some of you feel inclined to tell me about some achievement you’ve accomplished. That’s cool, just be sure you don’t sound like a narcissistic blow-hard bragger. I’d much rather see a picture of that winning 600 pound milk-fed pumpkin than a picture of you holding a trophy for Pumpkin of the Year.

I also get you’d like me to comment or “like” your cause, but you better be damn sure your cause is real. Coke isn’t going to send a million dollars to the burnt baby in Boston. It’s a hoax. No, cel numbers aren’t being released to telemarketing companies. No, dog parks aren’t being threatened by tainted cheese. All hoaxes. Do a little research before you participate by re-posting this crap. If you’re unsure, check out Snopes or Google it. And if it is a hoax, comment with a link explaining it as such. After all, they’re your friends… sorta.

And when you’re all done for the day, you’re tired and ready for bed… along with a burning desire to tell me “nite nite.”


Okay, so enough rambling. We’re all guilty of this stuff, but we can change our abhorrent and loathing ways. It’s easy… just run a few questions through your brain before posting a status update…

Is this post providing the reader:

  • value?
  • comic relief  (humor)?
  • a valuable resource or important information?
  • inspiration?
  • some interesting or little-known facts?

Okay, gotta run, but before I go I wanted to tell you that my foot has been a little sore and I’m having trouble with my toe stand in yoga class. I don’t know what caused it, but I think it’s from walking barefoot on my wood floor too much.

Just sayin’…



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